You probably suck at my job
Which is pretty amazing because I don't have a job.
Scene: Friends’ wedding celebration, rooftop bar, raining beetles.
That last part is irrelevant to the story but was the sort of imaginative (but not imaginary) detail that brings a little verve to the verbage. Cue the cocktail conversation:
“You haven’t changed a bit I would recognize you anywhere.”
“So sorry to do this but can you remind me of your name.”
“No I am not a Warlock even though I moved to Salem.”
“so SO frizzy.”
“How long do Chihuahuas live?”
“I only drink bubbly water...”
“What is going on with these beetles, no not Ringo but that joke will always be funny.”
“Self-medicated.”
“Season three is out!”
“I have a novel in me too.”
Record scratch.
If you read my last post back in April you know that I paused this blog so I could write a novel. Yeah, I said I was writing a rom com and it confused some of you. I am not writing a screen play. I am writing a novel.Rom Com is a genre of fiction as well as a type of movie that peaked in the 80’s. It used to be called Chick Lit but both the gum and the phrase are obsolete.
Status of the not screenplay yes novel? I finished my first draft. (Pause for applause.) Which left me strangely satisfied and immensely grateful to have an answer to “what are you doing these days.” Which should not be allowed at parties.
But after talking about the drinks (slow) the pets (seemingly immortal) the kids (amazing! which…amazing) and the four hundred questions I ask them to avoid talking about anything career adjacent they ask “what are you doing these days?”
And I answer “I wrote a first draft of a novel and it is out to a developmental editor.” That means instead of an editor paying for my book I am paying an editor to read my book which if you look in a mirror and apply the inverse property is exactly the same thing.
Then they ask. “When is it coming out?”
I avoid making a joke about being too straight to write a queer book but of course there are some non-binary characters in the story including the vegan butcher and instead tell then that getting published by a major publishing house is more difficult than making the NFL. Which is a fact I created but I have fact checked with me extensively and I stand by it.
They are amazed at the difficulty of getting published, but obviously, neither having read my work, nor properly appreciating my fake fact reassure me that MY book will be published. Enthusiasm trumps expertise in friendship. And sex? Well friendship for sure.
But some of them (OK, just one at this party but it has happened A LOT OF TIMES) say a version of this: “I have a novel in me.”
And I say “mmmm” and they say:
“I will get around to writing in after my lucrative and impressive career is in my review mirror.” The mirror, presumably of their Beetle. And they don’t say “I will never have to hire a developmental editor because I write emails everyday so I am already an amazing writer. And if you string together all of my tweets I would have a triology and my mother always loved my letters home from camp.” BUT THEY SHOULD.
You know what people don’t say to surgeons? "You see me with my steak knife? My bites are almost uniform, my cuts at angles between 40 and 120 degrees, I know I could extract the shit our of that appendix, move aside." Or "I was in the center front row in my fourth grade ballet recital. My next performance will be at the Royal Ballet, just going to have to stretch out those toe shoes a bit. Warm up the printer to amend the program." Or “My fantasy football team came in third in my 12 person league and I am planning to meet with the Patriots GM to give them a few ideas.” (Bad example because 1.The Patriot’s GM might need a few ideas and 2. People who play fantasy football have a secondary fantasy about being better than real GMs.) Or “My last Ramen was the perfect Al Dente so I’m hopping on a Zoom with Daniel Boulud to help with his menu dev. I have a hard stop at 3:00 for my tee time but I figured I needed to squeeze him in.”
But novels? Sure. Everyone has one. I’d love to hear about yours. One quick Q first:
When is it coming out?
AAAAANNNNNDDDDD She's back!!! I love it. I am going to put "Anna's rom.com" on my list of highly anticipated books/movies/albums that I maintain and check too frequently.
I don't have a novel in me.
But I have a hell of an album!!!
Love it! Oh heavens, spare me from all those people who haven’t a clue! Anyway, good luck! And also, I wrote a romcom ages ago and it’s out, and now I’m writing a book, and it’s hard, but we know that and it’s ok because it’s fun, too, and I also write poetry.