Hyperbole? Obviously.
We had a deal.
Steve would have a job that gave us healthcare but didn’t grossly out-earn my financial contributions to our family. He would have friends at work, but not friends that he liked better than OUR friends. He would get shit done on billion dollar projects but not think it was more important that getting shit done at home like…picking up shit on the patio. He would have photos of our family in his office but barely need them because he would see so much of us. Then he wouldn’t have an office because he would work remotely and we would shop together and eat lunch and do other delightful things during his work day. He would love his work but not more than he loved us.
And now?
Instead of working in the 10x10 office in our house Steve works in DC for the man but in a fighting for humanity way. Protecting all of humanity by making sure our investments in all emerging technology is useful, economically viable and safe. Aw. He know a lot about stuff too small for me to imagine let alone see and now he will help us all. Someone sew him a cape. (It won’t be me, he does all of the sewing.)
Yet deals get rethought, renegotiated and revised. Look at the WGA (writers unite!), Patrick Mahomes (thats an NFL QB who just got capital P Paid), and the senate (way to keep the government open for another month or so peeps.) Steve and I have a new deal. He can have a career not a job, gaining identity and influence.He can leave the shoveling to L and the sewing to me. He can walk to a 400 sf studio after meeting a colleague for drinks, call me to say goodnight, and tell me he is going “home.”
The night before he left for his first stint in DC three of us were playing Hold ‘em on the green felt that now covers our dining table. I held a 4/5 of spades. The flop came with the 2/3 of hearts. I was on a drawing hand and there were potentials flushes out there so I didn’t feel confident. When L dealt the turn (fourth card out of five) it was the six of hearts. So I made my straight but someone out there could have a flush. I made a small bet testing the water which Steve called. The river (fifth) card was irrelevant. I had made my straight and if someone was playing two hearts they made their flush. I checked expecting Steve to make a huge stab at the pot because whether or not he had the flush he needed to make it appear that way. But he checked also.
I turned over my straight. “I’m also playing a 4/5” he said. “So we both have straights, and we split this wimpy pot.” “Nope” he answered and flipped the 4/5 of hearts. A straight flush. He knew he had the winning hand and didn’t try to take more chips from me. It’s not the best way to win at poker, but it took the sting out of him getting the better deal than me.
Deals have two sides. Here are some things I will do. I will reassure him that calling the apartment home is OK. I will cook (a little). Instead of four and then three (dealing with college departure. Accepting all similar bittersweet stories) of us playing cards every night it will be just two of us playing heads up poker and I will play more than I want to to keep the kid happy just the way Steve used to do. I will fly to DC to visit him. I will take him to the train when he heads to the airport. I will let his cat suck on my thumb at 3:00 am.
I will feel sorry for myself and the one kid still at home but not more than I am happy for him. I will post this and make him feel all cringe-y but I want him to read the bottom line.
Marriage is a deal that gets subtly and overtly renegotiated all the time. And even though I am writing this post with its provocative title I am glad that we have a new contract. There is room for him to love his work and love us. It is possible to be apart and still together.
I know that even while he is at his dream job during the day at night he is dreaming of us. And L and I keep his stack of chips at the poker table, ready for him to take a seat again.
Tell me about a deal you made/broke. Or a bad beat at poker. Or whatever.
Not gonna lie, you lost me at Hold'em. I feel a Kenny Rogers song coming on... BWAHA! Everything else after that read like Charlie Brown's teacher. Until after the picture of your man sleeping. LOL And yay for thumb-sucking cats. How cute is that? Well, YOU may not like it. Especially at 3am. But that could be soothing to me, though. LOL
My dad went to law school when I was 10... in Tacoma (45 min no traffic, 90 more realistically). So he got an apartment near the campus and stayed there several nights a week. That was pre-Facetime or online poker games. I remember going to look at apartments with him and my mom. And you know what? It was FINE. It was exciting, even. It was a family investment in his happiness, and by extension, our family's happiness. He had an incredible "second career" for 20 years after he graduated at age 50. Here's to adventure and growth and investing in each other. And being thankful to have a job that you actually want to pour yourself into. Congrats!