Covid Yard Sale
The stuff that seemed important then now on super sale!
Covid yard sale
Paint by numbers sets- Gorgeous right? Oh I’d show you the finished product but it is at the framers. Why am I selling 10 of the same image of giant ginkgo leaves? Well because I used the other 90 for another project. So why did I have a hundred? Because those online check out carts can be confusing at 3:00am. Return them? I definitely didn’t have enough Lysol wipes to wipe down and entire post office! I don’t remember the price. Let me check. Actually can you read this for me? My eyes have become permanently crossed from trying to read the smallest numbers in the world.
Bread maker- Recipe book included! It can make all of the breads. If you have all of the flour which we didn’t. Still just regular flour and water works really well. We made at least three loaves. Oh, not three types of loaves, just three loaves. Here’s the thing. You will feel really proud, and even if you only make a few handful of loaves you will still be eating them for weeks because they take a while to chew. I mean as long as you can find a knife strong enough to cut off the moldy crust. Your bread won’t have all of the preservatives like store bought. So much healthier. I mean penicillin is mold. How much? I mean it pays for itself really in savings on bread. Like $300? So let’s say $15. Is that good?
Embroidery kit- I know it is open. I had to try it. Super hard, right? I mean it can’t be that different from sewing on a button, or, like, 1,000 buttons. Yeah, so only one of those muslin pieces is gone. I guess I could show it to you. What is it supposed to be? That’s insulting. What does it look like to you? You got it! It is IS an elephant knocking the roof off of a firehouse with its orange trunk. Did you know elephants can lift a 1,000Kgs? Yeah I don’t know the conversion either but it’s a lot of pounds. I KNOW the metric system is so much better. Like what IS a foot. Yeah yeah, but our feet are not the same size! And like, after my second pregnancy my shoe size got two sizes bigger. Oh, right, the embroidery set? You can just have it. Send me a pic of what you make…I’m sure I will be able to recognize your art as well as you did mine.
Peloton- low miles! You already have one? Well maybe your sister doesn’t. Oh- she got your mom’s? When your mom UPGRADED? Is she some sort of triathlete? Oh know, I know, heart health is very important. My favorite teacher? Like, in elementary school. Oh! Peloton teacher. Cody I guess. Yeah I’m sure I took some classes from Rachel. Dark hair? Enthusiastic? Toned? Yeah that might have been Sofia. I just took so many classes I get them confused. Why do I advertise low miles then? Um because it hasn’t been wheeled around on its little wheels much. No, I know, I might have been exaggerated. Cody is definitely my favorite. He is also my one and only. Yeah. I will definitely try Rachel when I upgrade like your mom did. Price? Well we paid $18,000 and it comes with these hand weights and the heart rate monitor, two pairs of shoes and this mat still rolled in its plastic so like, $75? Does that sound fair?
Painted Zoom background- why do I have a physical zoom background? Well it is NOT because I believed that the blurred background behind the extended family and friends with whom I had not thought of in years was an actual painted screen behind them. I totally knew that it was a single button click. No I’m pretty sure my kids would have taught me how if they knew. Oh? You think maybe all if their giggling wasn’t because online AP Calc was funny? Weird. I guess that is possible. If I could have painted anything why did I paint a blurry version of the bookshelf holding old books and dying plant that was behind me? It is not because the paint by number setssssss had a trillion tones of green and brown. Why does it stop about a third of the way from the top? You know…those teeny tiny pots don’t contain much paint. And my thumbs were getting pretty sliced up trying to pop them open. Blurry? Sure. That is the point of a zoom background…so you can’t read the titles of the book? No. The books aren’t for sale. I am going to read them soon. But the painting? it’s good right? of the moment? Yeah I was a BAD ASS for having an at home office during Covid. I mean sure Steve uses it to work but I have a desk too. Ummm not much in the past few years though. Oh I don’t need to keep the background. I learned how to do it on the computer. No really, you can have it, I can look at the real bookshelf any time. Well anytime I go back into the office. Which will be right after this so I can grab a book. The plant? Oh it’s doing really well. $Priceless. But name one.
Rainbow sweatpants- I know they are called joggers but I never jogged in them. Yeah, totally, the peloton was a life safer so no jogging in the joggers. But sweat? Sure. When you layer up to meet friends on the patio and come back inside to a roaring fire it gets toasty. Well until we ran out of firewood back in Spring 2020. So many shortages…like why did toilet paper run out? It was such a pain in the ass to separate each roll by ply. You didn’t? How many cases? Yeah I guess that was smart of you. I sort of thought we would just buy what we needed. Gotta look out though. Hoarding? I mean I guess some people were disappointed not to get Gingko paint by number sets but it’s not exactly the same as toilet paper is it? Oh. No. I don’t have rainbow patterned sweatpants…I have the full rainbow of colors from which to choose. But why choose? You can have them all. No. blue isn’t my favorite color. Why? Oh no it wasn’t another shopping cart error I just didn’t know exactly what indigo was so I got a twelve to make sure I nailed it. I did right? No I won’t trade for toilet paper. We have that now.
What would you sell at your Covid Yard Sale?
I would probably sell the mountain bikes that saw their heyday during the pandemic but now looks sad in the garage. They need to be happy! This was a heartwarmingly funny read.
Touché. I noticed my typo too late, "undo, undo!" alas.