There are (YES/no) bad Questions
And I ask them. Lessons from Individuals with Autism
I’m watching L make scrambled eggs. I am touch and go with eggs, sometimes they feel like just the protein with which to start my day. Other times they make me gag. This seemed like a less than gaggy situation. What I wanted to know was if Leo was willing to make me some scrambled eggs. This is what I asked:
How is your morning? Do you have some extra time before you need to leave? (See how polite I was being? Gathering information before I made my request.)
What time is it? He asks.
“Hey Google, what time is it?” (This is despite me holding my phone in my hand. The Libby app on which I was reading my latest romcom does not show the clock when in use.)
“It is 9:14 in Shelburne VT.”
“9:14!” L’s head is whipping around. (Google hasn’t been to Shelburne since August. Google, apparantly randomly, gives us the weather from our summer spot.
“No, she things we are in Shelburne.”
“Whew” Leo says.
Despite gaining two hours after correcting for Google’s time zone mistake I am watching the clock tick down on my potential egss.
“Actually L” I say “Would you scramble me some eggs too?”
“I wish you had asked me when I started.” L says, reasonably. “Why don’t you take so they aren’t cold and I’ll make another batch.”
“Thanks.”
Here is what I could have said:
“L would you be willing to make me some eggs?”
The day before I had sent a text to someone who is Neuro divergent who I knew had had an important meeting. I wanted to ask if she had the outcome thye wanted.
“How was your weekend?” I asked.
“Fine.” They answered.
“Did you meet with X?” -Me
“Yes.” -Them
“How did it go?” -Me
“Fine.” -Them
“Did she like your pitch?” -Me
“I don’t know.” -Them
“Did she hire you? “ -Me
“Yes.” “Ooooh. She liked your pitch then!” -Me
“I assume that hiring me meant she liked my pitch but I can’t know.” -Them
The exchange exhausted both of us. I think. I can’t know how they felt of course unless I explicitly ask.
I tend to circle around things when I want information or favors. I come at my questions from weird angles hoping that other people will fill in the blanks for me. I mean not always, obviously, there are plenty of circumstances where I am a sledgehammer when a ball peen hammer would have been the correct tool but I digress.
On the subreddit reddit/autism one of the users described the beginnings of conversations with “neurotypicals” like this as an old school modem…they make all these whirring and shrieking sounds before they can connect and exchange relevant information.
Now I hear all of my whirring and shrieking.
I’ve been trying to get directly to the point, particularly with people who have told me they are on the Autism Spectrum. Those modems are so 1990. And hot eggs are better than cold.
Do you remember those modems?
I clearly remember dial-up AND the screeching sound. of course, I grew up pre - computer. Which was just like the cell and fax _ real
game changers.
Anna, keep bravely moving forward: clear concise and to the point saves time and makes things happen.
This was so important for me to learn with a staff. I had to push past the meanderings.
I've only seen that polite but succinct part of you. i want to add affective but can't remember if it is a or e??? (There it is again) Anyway -- You go, girl!
What was it they called that sound? The devil's foghorn? Siren? Can't remember. I didn't have dial-up. I poached off others until I got cable internet. LOL. I'm cheap, Anna! (Actually, back then, I was just broke.) And we are taught to beat about the bush before getting to our request. It's "rude" to just come right out and ask, we were told. It's hard to undo that formatting. xo