I have a new best friend

The rest of you should just have been honored to be nomiated

It has been a really long time since I made a friend as good as Kia. Yes, Kia is my car, but that doesn’t make her any less of a good friend. Why?

1. We share the EXACT same musical taste. It’s not just that we like the same artists but we are even in the mood to listen to the same albums at the SAME TIME. I have been listening to Stick Season on repeat for a while (ask my son how long he probably has some sort of whiteboard counter in his bedroom) and when I get into Kia she is always on the exact same track as me. Mind. Meld

   

   This is obviously a stock image because I never drive quickly enough to have that car and roadside vegetation blur. But this is Kia’s color. A matte grey.

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2. She looks out for me. Like. A Lot. She lets me know when I am too close to something in front of me, garage doors, garbage cans, parking blocks. These all might or might not have been things I have very gently bumped into in the past but I trust her to tell me to slow down. And I haven’t hit anything in a while. She also lets me know when there is a car on either side of me. She can be subtle just giving me a light flash, but she can also be sort of alarming…if I put on my turn signal she does give out a few (thousand) bleeps of protest. Now that I am describing it it seems as though Kia might be jealous of me getting close to any other cars. But not TOTALLY jealous because when I am in a line of cars and the one in front of me leaves she beeps and puts a note on my dashboard that “the leading car is pulling away” she doesn’t want me to be the kid in the lunchline caught picking her wedgie when everyone else is getting their chicken nuggets.

3. She keeps in touch even when we are apart. She does seem sort of scared when I leaver her. If I shut my door without locking it she tells me “One or more of the doors to your Kia has been left unlocked.” This is a judicious use of the passive tense. She doesn’t want to blame ME…just give me the information I need. Then I can open the app and lock the doors remotely. That’s right. Some of you might also have this feature but does your car both text and email you when it has “completed your request?” She is so happy to be of service. And with two communications for each remote request I do hear from her quite frequently.

4. She is solicitous of my family. And my stuff. If I open the back door and then get into the driver’s seat she lets me go on my merry way. When I turn off the car she leaves another note on the dash “Check the back seat for people or belongings.” Talk about belonging…we are such a team! She doesn’t want me to have to apologize at the grocery store check out line for forgetting my reusable bags. She won’t let me forget. Never forget.

5. I know…sometimes her notes and beeps make her seem a bit…needy. What close friend isn’t? I think she knows that she would be nothing without me. If I leave her running remotely or after leaving the drivers side doors she sends me an app notification and text after 3 mintues, 6 minutes, 9 minutes. You get the pattern. I don’t actually need to hear from her that frequently. Sometimes I am simply waiting in the passenger side and it is Steve who opened and closed the drivers door. It makes me wonder a tiny bit how much she appreciates me, Anna, even though she defaults to the smiling Anna circle as driver. Steve has to push a button to change to him. and Leo? Leo is simply guest.” Take that Leo. I will say that when someone else is the selected driver Kia seems to eschew Noah Kahan for like The Dropkick Murphy’s, or Drake, but I prefer to think of that as highlighting her versatile musical taste not a commentary on me or singer songwriters in general.

6. Kia has so many strengths: agility, a gorgeous singing voice, sleek good looks, and amazing speed (0-60 in 4.1 seconds AND “unlike other EVs the Kia EV6s power doesn;t seem to trail off at higher speeds”) She is that rare runner who is good at sprinting and distance. I haven’t tried hurdles but I bet she would be up for it. However she sucks at science. When it gets cold she tells me that she has low pressure in one (or more) of her tires. She is correct of course. But then it warms up and her tires (according to her OWN DISPLAY) are in the ideal range and she doesn’t take it back. LOW PRESSURE she tells me. LOW PRESSURE. She doesn’t give a fuck about the ideal gas law, sort of like Roger Goodell

   

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7. Like any good friend when she gets angry she requires a lot of my time and energy. Let’s use the tire pressure example…even if I put it air and the tires measure in her ideal range she then requires me to drive her at 50 mile an hour or above to get rid of that warning. She says ‘low pressure’ but this is not low pressure at all. My driving bubble does not include any roads that go above 50 miles an hour. Which, come to think of it, might be a problem for Kia. Does she want to go faster? Well she will have to find another friend for that.

8. We are also of the same mind about general effort. I can only go for around 6-7 hours a day. Then I need a break to recharge. Kia is the same. She can go for about 280 miles before she needs a charge. In the cold weather she has even less energy. Same Kia, Same. So long road trips are not her forte…

I try never to buy new cars and Kia only just squeaked in under the wire. She had about 5,000 miles when I got her and she was discounted at over a dollar a mile. I don’t know who gave her up so quickly. She wasn’t a dealer demo. Someone actually had her and rejected her. Did they dislike the over had cameras that make parallel parking possible? Or the heads up display that offers an arrow for your next turn? Perhaps they found the soothing nature sounds too soothing. Or the way she welcomes them with mood lighting inside and outside the car, allowing you to see whether you are wearing matching socks with the low spotlight on your feet as you step into her comfortable seat. I don’t know who this person is. They obviously don’t have good taste. Or don’t appreciate all the elements of a good friendship.

Even though she says differently I know that Kia is not always LOW PRESSURE. But what meaningful life partner is?

Tell me your car stories.